


Closer

by JemiCrisis



Series: Everything the light touches is (mostly) ChenJi [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Happy Ending?, I think?, Light Angst, M/M, Minor Character Death, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2020-05-18 23:53:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19345264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JemiCrisis/pseuds/JemiCrisis
Summary: Chenle and Jisung's Shanghai trip, but longer.





	1. Closer

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sorry.

Jisung just _wishes_ that Chenle could wake up right now. Wishes he could realise what he’d do for him.

 

He’s lying beside Chenle on their shared bed, sure he could’ve slept on the floor, but Chenle refused to have his best friend sleep on the cold wooden floor. So they shared his bed, which was big enough for the two of their bodies anyway.

 

It made it easier to wrap his arms around Chenle’s waist when he was asleep.

 

~

 

Jisung knew he couldn’t be overly touchy with Chenle from the start of their friendship. They were idols after all. But sometimes when he’s with Chenle, having a good time, he finds the need to hug him, feel his body within arm’s reach, and show him all the affection he could muster. Most of those times were in public though, and there was also the fact that Chenle doesn’t live in the dorm with him. Instead he lives in an apartment with his mother. So there was virtually no time that they could spend away from prying eyes.

 

When the two of them were told that they were going on a trip to Shanghai, Jisung was ecstatic. He couldn’t believe that he was going to visit the place that was the home of the boy he loved. They planned the whole trip together, most of the week was full of activities they could do with only the last day not having anything planned. That was okay. Chenle said that Jisung could just meet his family on the last day and not film for the ChenJi stuff. Just a day for themselves.

 

So for the last six days they went to so many different places. They went to Disneyland like Jisung wanted. Chenle won him a Mickey Mouse stuffed toy, and Jisung swore he would cherish it forever. They went on the teacups and had a fun time whirling around, Jisung could tell that Chenle was underwhelmed. He felt bad that he was too scared to go on the scary rides with Chenle and that he had to go on them by himself. He would’ve liked it if he was brave enough to go on them, Chenle holding his hand when he got scared. But he was just too afraid.

 

He was too afraid to show Chenle how much he means to him. _How much he makes him feel safe._

 

They played shooting games together, Chenle said he played them every time he visited Shanghai. It was a lot of fun, trying to shoot each other and seeing who won. Jisung lost every time. He said it was because he was inexperienced, because of the helmet, any kind of excuse, but he really just let Chenle win. He just didn’t want to see Chenle’s face when he lost. The last thing he wanted was to make Chenle sad.

 

They had so much fun every day for those six days, and every day he got to sleep next to his best friend of so many years. He just… wanted it to be more.

 

~

 

The second day of their trip Jisung felt a bit uneasy, he couldn’t sleep. He turned around to his right and was greeted by Chenle’s back. He was fast asleep. Jisung could hear his light snoring.

 

So he took a chance.

 

He tried to lace his arms around Chenle’s waist in a hug. Trying to get closer to him. Trying to feel the warmth of his body. He tried getting his arm under Chenle in order to fully envelop his arms around him, and he moved slightly. Jisung was terrified. He didn’t want Chenle to wake up now, he probably would find what Jisung was doing to be weird.

 

Chenle shifted a bit more, and stilled once more.

 

When Jisung knew that Chenle fell deeper into sleep, he continued to further circle his arms around the boy. Once Jisung’s arms were wound around Chenle, the younger breathed a small sigh of relief, he hadn’t even realised he was holding his breath trying not to wake up his love. Jisung lightly buried his face into Chenle’s back, he instantly felt better knowing that his friend was in his arms. It hadn’t taken him long to drift to sleep after that.

 

~

 

He had woken up with his arms still around Chenle, Chenle had shifted a wee bit, lying on his stomach with his arms and legs splayed out. Jisung couldn’t help but have a look of adoration.

 

He had quickly removed his arms from around Chenle’s waist and proceeded to get ready, having left Chenle to sleep longer, he didn’t want his love to be sleep deprived. When he had come back Chenle was already awake, groggy, but awake. It was better that way anyway, or else Jisung would’ve just stared at him peacefully sleeping.

 

They would explore the sights in Shanghai, filming for their NCTzens. They would come back to Chenle’s house, Jisung would wait until Chenle would fall asleep before wrapping his arms around his waist and falling asleep with him. He would wake up with Chenle always being in that splayed out position. _It was so cute._

 

~

 

Jisung wishes that Chenle _didn’t_ wake up right now, when his arms were around him. He didn’t want to compromise the friendship they had together. It’s the sixth night of their stay in Shanghai, they were done filming their ChenJi stuff for NCTzens. Tomorrow was when Jisung would meet Chenle’s family, he had seen them on the One Night Sleepover show, but meeting them in real life would be so much better. He really wanted to meet Chenle’s grandfather. He just needs to not screw up before that, before they go back home to their regular life.

 

~

 

He woke up with a surprise. Chenle wasn’t in his usual position. Instead he had just turned to face Jisung, eyes closed, their foreheads touching. He got up faster than usual, his heartbeat racing, he was that close to Chenle. He gasped, hurriedly went to get ready and, like always, Chenle was up by the time he came back. There was a mirth under the tiredness in his eyes. He couldn’t understand it.

 

They went into the car to be driven to a park in Shanghai that Chenle’s grandfather always visits. They met the old ladies there who doted on Chenle, but doted on him more. They were telling him how cute he was in Mandarin, and Chenle translated every word to him in Korean, with a face of pure glee. Jisung couldn’t help but imagine it as Chenle telling him those things instead.

 

The old ladies did their dancing, making Chenle and Jisung participate as well. Jisung danced with a few of the ladies before being paired up with Chenle, his heartbeat went through the roof. He could barely manage keeping eye contact with Chenle, but he could see the same mirth in his eyes from earlier.

_Maybe he’s just having fun._ Jisung thought, because as much as he wanted to become something other than friends with Chenle… he knew he couldn’t. Chenle never gave him any signs that he would want that as well. He knew Chenle only saw him as a friend. Chenle… didn’t love him in the way that he wanted him to.

 

Maybe it was better that way.


	2. Farther

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chenle couldn't help it.
> 
> Couldn't help the storm that was in his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of you wanted another chapter and so I have delivered! I started writing this at 3 am and finished it off during breaks at work so if it seems rushed then I apologise for that.
> 
> In terms of the actual content in the chapter... I'm not sorry.

Chenle wishes he could _“wake up”_   right now. Wishes to turn around and see the face of the love of his life, staring right back at him.

 

Jisung was lying beside him in Chenle’s room, on his bed. Chenle had denied Jisung’s offer to sleep on the floor, so they shared his bed instead. It was big enough for the two of them. _Just the two of them._ _That was what he wanted._

 

So imagine his happiness when Jisung cuddles up to him in the middle of the night.

 

~

 

Chenle knew Jisung hesitated from the start. Hesitated to get close to him. Maybe it was because they were idols, but whenever they would hang out together he could see how Jisung’s hands fidgeted and lightly touched his every now and then. Barely brushing. Chenle almost couldn’t contain the love he had for Jisung then, how he had wanted to pull him close, pinch his cheeks, coo at him, and call him cute. But he couldn’t do that. They were in public almost all of the time, their fans would notice that. He couldn’t even shower Jisung with love when they were done with schedules for the day, because he just had to live with his mother. Away from everyone.

 

Away from his Jisung.

 

The two of them had been told that they were going to Shanghai for a week. Chenle was elated. He could finally show the boy he loved the place where he was born, his home, and all the sights there were to see. They planned the trip together, Chenle giving Jisung most of the ideas. It still wasn’t enough for the week as the last day was left empty. Chenle reassured Jisung that they could just meet up with his family for that day and not have to record for ChenJi’s This or That. He planned it that way because he really wanted Jisung to meet his grandfather who he adored. The other activities and places he wanted to go to were still in his mind, but they can just go to Shanghai again.

 

The last six days they went to a bunch of different places. Chenle made sure that they had time to go to Disneyland like Jisung wanted. He left out a whole day for them to be there. While Jisung was on one of the rides, he won him a Mickey Mouse stuffed toy that he knew Jisung was eyeing on earlier, the game was hard and he had spent quite a bit for what the prize was, but it didn’t matter to Chenle. Anything for Jisung. Especially when he could see the joy in his eyes when he saw it. It just made his love for him grow.

 

Grow until it became unbearable to just be friends with his love.

 

The two of them went on the teacups, Chenle did feel a bit underwhelmed but he could see how Jisung was having fun whirling around, and that was all that mattered. Chenle was the slightest bit disappointed when Jisung wouldn’t go on the “scary” rides with him, but he hid that from him. He definitely didn’t want Jisung to be uncomfortable, he would never push Jisung to do anything he didn’t want to do. Ever.

 

Even though he wanted to hear Jisung say that he loved him back so badly. _Hear him say that he loved him more than just a friend._

 

They had gone to play shooting games together, Chenle told Jisung that he played them every time he visited Shanghai. He was smiling so brightly with how much fun he was having with his first love. But he always won, and whenever Jisung would groan in defeat, he felt bad. He tried to lose on purpose for some of the games, but Jisung was always worse than he was, even at aiming and targeting him.

 

During those six days he had fun with his best friend, their friendship has grown stronger in the years since it first formed.

 

~

 

It was the second day of their trip and he felt Jisung twisting and turning beside him for minutes before he finally stopped, how he wanted to just turn around and cuddle him and make sure his love was okay and hug him to sleep. He pretended to snore lightly all the while. He didn’t want Jisung to think that it was his fault he “woke up”, he couldn’t sleep either.

 

He felt Jisung’s hands touching his back, near his waist. He felt Jisung trying to get his arm under him. Chenle moved out of instinct, shifting slightly to try and help Jisung, but he stopped when the boy froze.

 

He shifted again, managing to get Jisung’s arm under him, and pretended to fall asleep again.

 

After a few minutes that felt more like torture, Jisung finally wrapped his other arm over Chenle. His heart filled with a warmth he couldn’t describe. He felt the breath of the younger on his ear, and when he felt Jisung nuzzle into his back it took everything out of him to not make a sound, or do anything. So he laid there, his love holding him in his arms, content and swiftly asleep.

 

~

 

Chenle woke up before Jisung did, he woke up to have found himself turned around with Jisung’s face close to his, their legs in a tangled mess. He knew it would make Jisung uncomfortable if he woke up to this, it had to. So he moved so that he was splayed out but still within Jisung’s hold, he would never let it go.

 

He felt Jisung wake up and slid his arms away from his body and went out of the room, probably to get dressed for the day. He instantly missed the warmth of his love by his side. Chenle sat up and pretended to be groggily awake when Jisung came back, but he was actually wide awake, taking in Jisung’s look of nervousness, _what was he nervous for?_

 

Chenle led Jisung as they explored the sights in Shanghai, filming ChenJi’s This or That for their dear NCTzens. When they would get back home to Chenle’s house, he would let Jisung hug his back, cuddle up to him while he was “sleeping”, with no questions asked. He didn’t like the idea of confronting Jisung about it. He would wake up before Jisung does and admire the face of peacefulness the boy beside him had. _He looked so adorable._ That would be before he moved into the splayed out position, in order for Jisung to not find out.

 

Because their friendship was too precious.

 

~

 

Chenle wishes that Jisung would just _tell_ him whatever was on his mind. The arms of his love were wrapped around his torso but he hadn’t fallen asleep yet, neither of them had. It was the night before their last day in Shanghai. The last day where they had it all to themselves. Chenle was going to let Jisung see his family, his aunties, his grandparents, and maybe his brother again. Chenle couldn’t wait for Jisung to meet his grandfather… because Chenle secretly told his grandfather how much Jisung means to him. His grandfather was always so supportive of Chenle’s hopes and dreams, he hoped he would be supportive of who he loves too. When he had told his grandfather that he loved Jisung, his grandfather didn’t treat him any different than he usually did, and his grandfather told him that he was proud that he had found someone special…

 

_Someone special? More like someone that Chenle could only dream of having._

 

~

 

When Chenle woke up on the last day, the bed was already empty. Cold and empty. Chenle was turned around like usual, on his left side as if Jisung was still in the bed. But he wasn’t. He had already gone to get ready, and he knew then that he had screwed up. He couldn’t hide anymore.

 

So when Jisung came back and said good morning to him, Chenle looked at his flustered face with all the love in the world. When he saw Jisung’s puzzled response, he couldn’t help but have his heart sink to new depths he didn’t realise were ever possible. He realised what he thought was the truth, Jisung didn’t love him.

 

But that was okay for him. He didn’t have to.

 

At that moment Chenle swore to himself that he will keep on being Jisung’s best friend. He swore that he’ll be there for his love, even if he could never love him back the same way that he wished. He’ll continue to love Jisung until he was buried six feet underground. He’ll show Jisung all the love he had for him, even though he’ll never reciprocate.

 

Because Chenle liked taking risks, he had nothing else in his life more important to lose than Jisung, and if he couldn’t keep him, he knew that he was right. He wasn’t good enough for him.

 

They went to the park that Chenle’s grandfather frequented. Chenle saw the old ladies that he had seen during the One Night Sleepover show. Like always, the ladies doted on him. Oh how he was their little star from Shanghai, who had all grown up. When they went to dote on Jisung however, Chenle couldn’t help but have mixed feelings. They had showered Jisung with so much affection that he couldn’t do himself, but his heart also warmed when he saw Jisung’s face. His adorable baby was blushing. Except he couldn’t call Jisung his.

 

He realised that Jisung’s face was red because he couldn’t understand what the ladies were telling him, he felt stupid and did his best to translate all the compliments for him, he may have exaggerated a few or all of them. It was worth it when he saw that Jisung’s face flushed to a deeper crimson. He couldn’t help but have a gigantic smile on his face.

 

Then the ladies began to dance around them, encouraging them to dance along. Chenle didn’t pass up the opportunity and grabbed Jisung’s hands when one of the ladies moved on from him, guiding him as they had fun. He could see the tension that Jisung held in his eyes, he just wouldn’t look at him.

 

His heart sank further into the abyss.

 

 _Maybe he’s nervous because we’re in public._ He thought, deep down he knew there was a possibility that Jisung loved him back, he could tell that the possibility could be true. But he lied to himself that he didn’t, even when at night he could feel Jisung’s arms wound tighter around his body, afraid to let go. He knew he wasn’t good enough for Jisung, he never was and never will be.

 

He didn’t deserve him. Not at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to comment! No pressure though it just makes me really happy what people think of my work.


	3. Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They were together, but at what cost?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I let my sister read this work and within 2 minutes I heard from her "Who the fuck is Chenie??? Oh, Chenle..." and it was the funniest thing I've ever heard. Watch me incorporate that line into a work in the future.
> 
> ...
> 
> I never made any promises. Although the tag may give it away.

The two boys didn’t realise the ladies stopped dancing until they heard a weary voice call for Chenle. It was his grandfather. Chenle bounded towards him, pulling Jisung by the hands as they stood in front of the old man. They both bowed to him respectfully with Chenle eager to stand up straight again. He then lightly tackled his grandfather in a hug. Jisung could tell he loved his grandfather a lot. _How sweet._

 

Chenle and his grandfather were saying something to each other in Mandarin, Jisung did feel a bit awkward and left out, but he trusts that whatever it was they were talking to each other about was private. He didn’t need to know.

 

The grandfather’s first words to his grandson were somewhat akin to if the boy standing there was the boy Chenle loved. He had been watching the two dance together. He probably saw how his grandson looked at Jisung as if he held the whole world in his hands.

 

It wasn’t wrong, Jisung did hold the world. Chenle’s world.

 

So Jisung was kind of confused when Chenle went beet red. Chenle turned to him and motioned for him to come closer, he told him to introduce himself. So he introduced himself to the elderly man in front of him, in Mandarin. He tried his best, but he couldn’t help but feel… disappointed? Sad? Whatever the feeling was that made his heart grow cold with dread, he felt it punch him when he saw that Chenle and his grandfather were both stifling a giggle. Chenle hugged Jisung lightly and told him that he could’ve said it in Korean and he would have translated for his grandfather. Jisung felt dumb at that moment, and he flushed in embarrassment. He vaguely heard the words _how cute_ coming from Chenle.

 

Chenle called him cute.

 

That’s when everything fell to pieces.

 

Suddenly Chenle’s grandfather was heaving, coughing, gasping for breath. He was coughing up a red liquid, and someone had called an ambulance. While they were in the ambulance being driven to the nearest hospital, Chenle had a mess in his brain. A mixture of crying, screaming and wailing.

 

~

 

They were in a hospital room, the grandfather was hooked up to an IV and a heart monitor. He opened his eyes and the doctor told him what had gone wrong with his frail body. Chenle couldn’t listen to it, he was too shocked to understand anything at that moment.

 

Chenle’s grandfather responded to the doctor in a weak voice, he had asked for a private moment with Chenle.

 

Once everyone else was gone, the grandfather gestured for his grandson to come close. So he did. He then told him to listen very well to what he had to say. So he leaned closer.

 

Chenle’s grandfather had told him that he loved him dearly, and to take the bull by the horns. He knew Chenle so well, so well he knew that he was struggling. Chenle had tears welling up in his eyes. He loved his grandfather, he was going to tell him. He was just about to when-

 

**BEEP**

 

Everything was a blur for Chenle, he barely registered Jisung and the nurses rushing into the room, barely registered Jisung holding him still. He realised then he was shaking. Shaking and crying.

 

He couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t believe that his grandfather would just… die on him. Die on him after he said that.

 

Jisung pushed them to sit down together. Never letting Chenle go. He had continuously rubbed Chenle’s arms to try and comfort him, it didn’t matter if Chenle didn’t respond. He needed to be there for Chenle, because Chenle needed someone to be there for him now… even if he wasn’t the right one to do so.

 

The nurses did everything they could do. To no avail. They left, wheeling the late grandfather’s bed, along with his body, now soulless, out of the room. They told Jisung that they could stay for however long they needed in there, however long Chenle needed. He kept staying beside Chenle, holding him close, and leaning his love’s head on his shoulder. The tears never stopped.

 

~

 

About ten minutes passed, Chenle was understandably still torn up, shredded even. Jisung wanted to help him so badly… he hated it.

 

He hated how cruel the world was at that moment.

 

For the world to let Chenle have the last, and probably the most impactful, memory of his grandfather be him on his deathbed. For Chenle to have to watch his grandfather wither away for the last few hours they could spend together. For the love of his life to witness first-hand the death of a grandparent at seventeen, an age where he should be happy, carefree even.

 

Jisung would tear the universe apart if he could.

 

But he can’t, so instead, he stays by Chenle’s side as he mourns. He’ll stay for as long as he has to, he decided that long ago. Decided that he would stay by Chenle’s side through thick and thin.

 

That is until Chenle moves.

 

_Away from him._

 

Chenle stands up, he walks further away from Jisung, and faces the wall. Jisung knows he shouldn’t, but he stands up as well and walks over to where Chenle was. He hugs him from behind. Everything after that seemed unreal.

 

Chenle turned around, his eyes were glaringly red, Jisung only focused on that before he felt something touch the nape of his neck, and then his lips too. His brain malfunctioned as he became conscious of the fact that Chenle was kissing him.

 

Chenle knew it was wrong to kiss Jisung at that moment, but he was so distraught. He didn’t know why he wanted to do it then. He just did. He would’ve been perfectly okay if Jisung removed himself from him if he wasn’t crying a sea out of his eyes. He had clung to Jisung in such desperation. He removed himself from the boy with whatever reasoning he had left and dropped to the floor. He was so weak. To seek solace in his friend through something as inappropriate for what the situation was… he was stupid. A stupid seventeen-year-old.

 

He felt Jisung’s hands on him again. He saw Jisung’s shadow as he knelt down in front of the sad excuse he was as Jisung continued to wrap his arms lightly around his shaking shoulders. Jisung could only turn and kiss Chenle’s cheek before someone burst through the door. They had both looked up at who entered the room and there was Chenle’s parents, his brother, his aunties, and his grandmother who shuffled into the room. Everything was quiet for a minute.

 

_We’re going._

 

Not another word was spoken before Chenle and Jisung got up and walked with the rest of Chenle’s family out of the hospital.

 

~

 

The rest of the day had been uneventful, they had went straight to Chenle’s house and him and Jisung were excused to their room. The adults needed to talk amongst themselves.

 

It was time to sleep when Jisung asked again if he could sleep on the floor. Chenle still refused. He needed Jisung more than anything now.

 

Chenle’s mother knocked and came into the room. She asked to talk to Jisung in the corridor. He obliged.

 

When they were out in the corridor Jisung could hear Chenle start to cry again. In the midst of his crying Jisung listened to what the woman in front of him had to say. She told him that Chenle would have to stay behind for the funeral of his grandfather. She said she was sorry. She said she wanted Jisung to continue to take care of her son. She had said a lot of things to Jisung the past few years he knew her, some more enlightening than others, she said something to Jisung then that night which had given him hope in what was a dark cruel tunnel.

 

She told Jisung that Chenle loved him. Loved him so much that he would say Jisung’s name at night while hugging his blanket. He didn’t need to know that but what are mothers for?

 

She excused Jisung and he flew back into Chenle’s room, hugging his love tighter than ever and comforting him the best he could.

 

They lay down on their bed, legs tangled and faces close to one another. Chenle looked like a sobbing mess but Jisung didn’t care then, he just tucked the hair out of Chenle’s face and kissed him sweetly as he cried.

 

Because even though they would be far away from each other tomorrow, tonight they were together. _That’s all they could ask for._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah yeah, kill me. Be happy this is up because I woke up at 2:41 am to write this, otherwise, it wouldn't be up at all. Time to work for 13 hours!! Also this is very rushed I’m finishing and posting this during my lunch break, so if it seems crappy, I know it is. I could’ve done so much better with more time.
> 
> Also, leave suggestions! I already have several but more wouldn't do any harm.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this! This took me only a few hours to write which is surprisingly fast for me ahaha.


End file.
